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Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
On that very moment I stopped torturing myself, I've let go and let the waves bring me.
I was one with the sea, I was riding the waves and looking at the rocks under on the ocean floor. It was the most beautiful thing in the world; the colors, the fishes, the corals and the way every wave pushes and pull me back. I placed my feet on the rocks on the ocean floor and loved how the sun hits my face, making me as if blinded by the light. It was a few minutes of an empty mind, I needed more of that. I needed more time to empty my mind and just live.
On the van, I started crying like a baby. It wasn't because I was leaving paradise but because I cant help but think I am going back to a place where all these sentiments is coming from. I wanted to leave that place but everytime I do, I have to face the fact that no matter what happen, I would need to go back.
Birthdays gets me down, it makes me think of how pathetic and sad my life is. A home that was wrecked and smothered by pain. An existence that is as painful as a stab on your heart. I am living this life, a life that could not be changed by a choice nor anything else.
I have no choice, mom figured out a plan on how to get away from us. Instantly when she left, I became the woman of the house. Wash clothes, cooks and prepares food, pickup and drop off my brother, work to help on home finances and to give allowance to my brother and my mom. I don't know if it's every kid my age to be handed this resposibility or is it just too much for me to handle. I had no choice. It's as if a day isn't enough to finish everything.
Every night I have to pretend to my dad that I was okay, alright about everything that had happend to our family. Pretended that I still have hope for all of us to be happy and together again. But I had gave up, quite a long time ago.
Sometimes I ask myself, why this happend to us. We're we that bad of a family? Or we saw this coming and ignored it? Why this pain should be felt by dad and rylle? Why we deserved this? My every nights sentiment is that I hope dad won't lose it. He went through to much, he did everything for us to be happy and I can't see even a slightest reason why this should happen to him, of all people, why him. Now we are the only two at home and we barely see or talk to each other. It's an empty home.
Mom is a bitch, and I am not saying that because I hate her but because she turned into a monster. My monster mom thinks she can just go away one day with my baby brother and never come back. One day when I went home, my brothers things we're not there anymore and moms things we're taken away. I didn't know how this happend. When I finally saw her again, i told her that I would love to punch her in the face, I could have done that, but she's my mom. Somehow I tried to understand, but there's just nothing to make me believe that this is the best for everyone. I've had enough of her and her antics.
Today I've got a really bad headache, no sleep and too much stuff going through my head. I am really tired of this roller coaster called life, I hope I won't lose it and jump off.